When Your Human Gets an Emmy

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Janette Barber's cat Beastly shares perspective on Barber's Emmy

Beastly Cat and The Emmy  Photo:  Janette Barber Rosie O"Donnell Show Producer, Janette Barber's Cat Tells What It's Like to Own a Human in the Daytime Emmy Race!

Yes, I'm a successful cat who models and acts. Yes, my work has ended up on The Rosie O'Donnell show more times than I can remember what with my busy schedule and all my appointments. Yes, The Pet Project on Animal Planet just shot a feature on me and my website. Admittedly, I could teach Olivier a thing or two when it comes to emotion in acting, but none of that is my real challenge. For me, the most difficult thing I have to do on a daily basis is to manage my very high maintenance human, Janette Barber and her perfect boyfriend Barry.

Janette is a handful. She's a TV Producer on The Rosie O'Donnell Show. Although I do credit her with giving me my start in the business, I will say that I have more than returned the favor with good advice, which she usually ignores.

She won her third Daytime Emmy this year and thank God she finally managed to enjoy it. She's won two others but she's also lost four more, and you didn't hear it from me, but her nickname is Spoil-Sport. She needs a lot more therapy, which is when one human goes to another and they both try to figure out why one of them is a mental case when any cat can tell you in two words. Their parents. Humans spend decades living with their parents and then at the end of all that they still can't even lick their own feet. Go figure.

As a producer on The Rosie O'Donnell Show, Janette gets nominated every year in two categories because in addition to being the Comedy Producer she is also head of the writing department and gets nominated for that, too. Every year exactly one week before she wins an Emmy Award for producing in The Best Show category, she loses an Emmy Award in Special Class Writing. That makes her a treat to be around.

You should have seen her the first year. Not nominated in writing and lost for best show. She cried if you can imagine. A three-month-old kitten would have handled it better. She left the Awards and came home. Barry, my more well-adjusted human, had made a lovely, elegant hors d'oeuvre tray (All vegetables worse luck. That's the one thing about humans. Thoughtless. What is a celebratory supper with out tuna fish is what I'd like to know?). Anyway, she wouldn't even eat it. He had to put his foot down and insist that she go with him to the show's Emmy Party. Thank heaven for alcohol is all I can say. For her that is. I don't touch it myself. Don't need to. I meditate.

At the Emmy Party she got wildly snockered after which she had a lovely time. She can't dance but she insisted on humiliating herself by dancing anyway. Elaine Bennis, move over.

altThe second year wasn't all that much better even though she won. Janette was tired. Burned out if you ask me, although no one has so I assume that must be an oversight. Before becoming a producer/writer she'd been a stand up comic living free as a cat and working forty-five minutes a night. She wasn't used to the pressure and hours of a real job yet so I suppose you can excuse her appalling comments that night. I won't repeat what she said but if you've spent a lot of time around Longshoreman I'm sure you've already heard it.

Humans, in general, don't react well to stress. Cats, naturally, have learned to deal with it from an early age. What kind of pressure does a cat have? Hrmph. How would you like to have to take a shower with your tongue?

The third year, when she won her second Emmy, she didn't even show up! Noooooo, she had wantonly abandoned me, and my needs, to traipse off with Barry to the refugee camps in Albania. It was a nightmare for me. She'd left the hot water running in the tub the whole time she was gone and I thought I'd die of the humidity. My hair is still not right.

This year was different. She's over being upset at having to work more than 45 minutes a day. Now she realizes that she loves her job and she actually had fun at the Emmys . I haven't said I told you so only because I refuse to put my daily serving of Bumblebee Tuna (solid white in water please) at risk.

This year she was relaxed, maybe because she already had two statues, maybe because of my feline influence, who's to say? In any case, she didn't carp and whine nearly as much as usual. I was relieved that she didn't wear that same old award show outfit that she always wears. (A black crepe suit with a kimono jacket and elaborately printed silk lapels. Nice, okay, but Iíve seen it.) This year she wore a gorgeous long white linen jacket and ropes and ropes of fresh water pearls that she selfishly would not let me play with. When I think of the psychic damage I am undoubtedly suffering from living with that girl, I could literally dump my litter box.

She looked good on camera even though I only saw her for five seconds. After the show she and Barry walked from Radio City over to the staff Emmy party. On Emmy night in New York City, if you walk through the streets carrying a statue, EVERYBODY likes you. Everyone says congratulations and waves. Lots of people want to take your picture. I think Janette liked it, which makes me wonder why she doesn't carry an Emmy around with her every day. She could have it made into a necklace. Then I could have those pearls.

(**Although this article was written by Beastly the cat, he was aided in typing and grammar by Janette Barber and Barry Brown who maintain his personal website at www.beastlycat.com Now that you've heard from Beastly himself, stay tuned to Soapdom.com for our special feature story on Janette Barber, once producer of The Rosie O'Donnell Show, now creator and producer of a brand new show on The Food Network, Barry Brown, Beastly the Cat, and the birth of Beastly's very own website. Coming soon to a browser near you!  LMS, September 2002**)